Monday, December 2, 2013

Remember: Accumulated Wealth Makes for a Merry Christmas

I realized yesterday, after looking over my ridiculously inflated work schedule for the month of December, that ever since I first joined the work force at the age of 16, I have been milking Christians and their sacred holiday for all they are worth. And Christians in America are worth a lot. I was simultaneously raised Christian, and along with that came lessons of goodwill, charity, the importance of giving and not receiving, etc. I realize now, looking back, that those recitations come in direct violation with Christmas Lists and the High Holy Day that is Black Friday in America. 

Christmas is really all about greed. If it weren't, retailers wouldn't try so damned hard to lure people into their stores, let alone succeed. But people don't even really have to be lured. They're so well trained at this point that it doesn't matter what crappy deal you offer them. You don't even have to offer them anything, and they will come! Evidence: the many people who flocked to my stores on Black Friday despite the total lack of sales.

Because of this, December is a great time to get a temporary job. At one store, we doubled our number of employees. Seasonal part-timers actually outnumber regular part-timers. Why? Because of greed. Nothing we sell is terribly useful. It's mostly just for fun with the occasional nifty gadget thrown in. Do you really need that dish towel covered in dancing snowmen? No. But you buy it anyway. Why? Because you can. And hopefully because it makes you happy to do so. But mostly? Because you can. I don't buy goofy things like that because I can't afford them. But your power to buy it empowers me to buy other things, like food and heat.

So thank you, Christian America for letting your greed for largely useless items go hog wild for one month out of the year. Whether you realize it or not, your lust for material objects really is a form of charity.  You keep our hurting economy going. Because you need that snowman towel, need it so badly you'll buy five of them to share with friends or to have a back-up in case the first one gets dirty (it will; it's a towel), and because you're buying for friends, you also need them all gift-wrapped separately, with different paper and colored ribbons on each so you can tell them apart even though they are all the same exact thing, people like me get to double our incomes and pay off bills that have been haunting us for the rest of the year. 

At one store, we hired four people just to wrap your presents for you. That's four people who will have extra money in their pockets all thanks to your greed and laziness. And the rest of us regulars are maxed out on hours. This means that the week before Christmas, between my two jobs, I am working 61 hours. That is nearly double my usual load. Yes, I will be so stressed that I'll probably break down and cry at the end of every ten to twelve hour day, but for one month - heck, probably two or three - I will not struggle to balance bill paying. 

So thank you for your lustful, greedy insanity that leads to inadvertent charity, and reiterating year after year the true meaning of the birth of your savior: accumulated wealth. God bless.

No comments:

Post a Comment